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larosemagnifique
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Name: Brittany
Country: United States
State: Kentucky
Birthday: 11/13/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: MUSIC! Specifically Sanctus Real and Day of Fire. These bands are two very incredible groups of guys. umm.. Concerts. Very interested in concerts, and I go to lots of them. Saw Sanctus 13 times in a year. I'm also learining how to play the bass, so I'm going to be spending a lot of time focusing on that too. Interested in sleeping, reading, chillin' online. Just being me. Most of the time. That part isn't always so fun.
Expertise: Band Follower Extraordinaire!
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  LaRoseMagnifique
MSN: larosemagnifique@hotmail.com
Member Since:
6/24/2004
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| My life is starting to read like a V.C. Andrews novel without the sex. You know, her characters always end up dealing with family members or other characters that somehow have severe psychological problems. I think it runs deeper in my family than I ever imagined.
I suppose I should start at the beginning.
My father passed away when I was nine years old. Put simply enough, he fell off a bridge and drowned in the Ohio River. Ever since then my mother has raised me to believe that the whole situation was an accident. She said, and I remember him telling us, that he was going to leave us because God had called him away to write a book. I remember that much. So yes, I have been raised to believe that he left us to write a book, and he accidentally fell in the river after stopping his car on a bridge to just look at the water, as, my mother says, this is something that it would have been in his nature to do.
I believed this until about March of last year when someone was finally able to get through to me that this is not something that God would call a man to do. People have been telling me this off and on for years, but I blindly justified it because I didn't want to believe that my own father could have been so psychologically messed up to have taken his own life. I even wrote a paper in high school to try to make this make sense for myself. I tried to read it today and it just about made me sick.
My uncle and I were talking today, and some of this stuff came up, and I've learned some things, and honestly it scares the hell out of me. As I said I've believed the suicide thing for over a year now. I knew that my dad had some health and psychological problems, but apprently they're worse than I could ever have imagined. I knew about the paranoia he felt, but not about the multiple personalities. Not about some of this stuff.
I didn't realize that my uncle Kevin has seen about 4 different psychotherapists, and that my grandmother has such mental problems that she became a therapist so that she could fix other people's problems instead of her own. I knew she was a cranky lady, but I hadn't seen quite how she tries to manipulate me and other people until after my uncle and I talked. My uncle said he even once tried to run away from home (although he was about 30 at the time, so does it really count?). My grandmother has an unusually powerful grip on this family.
I'm just scared because I feel like for 12 years people have been hiding the truth from me. I want the truth.
My uncle also mentioned a diary that my dad had left behind that my mother left with my grandmother almost immediately, in order to get it as far away from her as possible. I guess this diary chronicled the thoughts that were going on in his head, and Kevin said that it scared and shocked the whole family when they read it. I never knew that this diary existed. I need to see that book. I haven't figured out how yet. I don't even know if grandma still has it, although that's not the kind of thing I think that one would throw away.
It also scares and angers me that my mother has been living in this fantasy world for the past 12 years, and she wanted to keep me in it. I'm angry at her, I guess. I want to help her, I want to make her come to terms that my dad killed himself. But I can't. I want to confront her and ask her about that diary. But I'm terrified, honestly, of what might happen if I did.
I just want people to tell me the truth. I need to know how sick my father was because as his daughter I'm at risk. My whole future, my future children, everything is at risk.
Will I ever get the answers that I long for?
I'm afraid that if not, his demons will start haunting me. | | |
| x-posted from my myspace blog.
But seriously, I want to know.
Why is it that whenever I make a mistake, people throw around the fact that I'm a Christian?
Yes, I am a Christian.
It doesn't make me better than everyone else.
It doesn't mean that I'm perfect.
It doesn't mean that I'm not going to hurt people.
It doesn't mean that I will always think before I speak.
It just means that when I have my faults pointed out
I will accept it with grace
I will apologize
I will work to correct my behavior
And I am forgiven, if not by the person I have sinned against, then at least by my God.
Why is it that people make me feel like I have no room for mistakes?
It's not like anyone really acts like they care that I'm a Christian until I do something that they can fault me for.
I'm sorry. | | |
| I hate it.
I hate how I can follow the directions to the letter and still manage to burn my food.
I just nearly set mom's apartment on fire.
Like, the microwave was churning out gray smoke.
I'm really surprised that the fire alarm didn't go off.
It reminds me of back in December when I tried to make cookies for Christina's birthday.
When I burned 3 batches in a row
And nearly set my dorm on fire.
My culinary skills apparently leave something to be desired.
But I don't understand why, if I'm doing what they tell me to do.
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| Some really random things happened last night, and I'm not sure that I want to get into them because I don't know what people would say.
It's nothing illegal or anything, and I wasn't drunk, so don't worry.
Still, that leads me to a really odd feeling today. I confuse myself with how I'm so liberal. Most of the Christians I know are so conservative. I'm not, especially since I'm in college AND I've had a whole different world opened up to me because of some of the friends I've chosen. Well, actually, I'm still conservative in some areas, and not so much so in others.
But anyway, I'm not sure how my being liberal and accepting of some stuff fits in with my being a Christian. Because I'm pretty sure that it doesn't. But at the same time, if I tried to be conservative, then I probably wouldn't be showing love to several people that need it.
I don't even know if this makes any sense, but it does to me. | | |
| I'm starting to feel like I'm too critical and I expect way too much from people.
And I wish I could make people understand why I'm upset about Chris. Yeah, I love him to death. He's awesome. But at the same time, I think that we still have a very odd relationship with him. And he did piss me off last week. Maybe a lot of it came from when Amber told me she thought he was annoying, but it's not all that. Noone understands why I'm so resentful of the picture. I'm just annoyed because A) The switchplate picture was a me and Amber thing, and so I feel like Chris should have realized that and stayed out. And B) when he did jump into the picture, I asked him if he wouldn't do his "thumbs up" thing in it, but he wouldn't respect us enough to not do it. That's what frustrates me. But noone understands that. Everyone says it's not a big deal, and maybe it's not but I still don't appreciate it.
But yeah, that's not really what has me upset tonight.
I wish that I didn't feel like I was in defiance to everyone. I wish that people would at least listen to me, even if they don't agree. | | |
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